whoa... yesterday was kind of like a wild day for me. At first I was sad and depressed, but then next thing you know Dave and I are sitting next to each other on the bus breaking each others virgin bracelets. lol... actually he broke mine and then I saw his duct tape bracelet and he asked me if I wanted to break it so I did.

In French he would sit there across from me and just stare. Stare like no tomorrow at me. I of course could feel the weight of his eyes and looked back. We just sat there staring at each other and I could tell he wanted to say something. His eyes had this longing to just say something to me, but that being imposible because we were on the opposite sides of the room. I looked back down and glanced back up but he was still staring at me. So I just looked at him again and smiled. Everyday I can see him looking at me, and it doesnt bother me, but it always gives me this hope, that maybe...jut maybe, theres a chance. Friday, when I was sitting behind him in french for some unknown reason, I wrote on his paper "I <3 U" and he turned around and said "me too" and I leaned up really close, I mean really really close and whispered doubtingly "yeah right" and he looked at me and said "im not kidding" and I leaned down next to him and finally replied "if you mean what you say, then you tell me what you see in Tori. The real truth you see in her, and then we'll talk" ....of course that question never gets answered because there is no real answer to that question besides "big tities" (as he would like to say) because he doesnt want me to know that was it. So we just sat next to each other on the bus and had a good time. I asked him today that we should hang out more often, and he said that he never can because he doesnt have time. I asked Dwayne to verify this, and it was true. he always is doing something whether its watching his little sister, or working at the church with his mom and out in the yard with his dad. Sometimes I wonder how he ever even gets his homework done...oh, wait a minute... he never does it! haha nevermind..

another thing I noticed... (and this is over time) that everyday at lunch (band lunch that is) he sits at the table in front of us, but always with his back turned against me and I am straight at his back. (we sit in these seats every single day) But I can always see him try to turn around and look at me and pretend he is looking at Mr Shively, which he isnt because ew...who would want to see him eat anyways?, and I dont think he realizes that I notice because I can see him really easily and he cant. A lot of the times when I have my head down or when im talking to someone, usually Ali, I can see him out of the corner of my eye looking at me again. This is the same thing with outside in the commons or the parking lot. He is always with his group of guys, and looking at me whenever he gets the chance.
I also noticed that when he looks behind him in the halls and notices I am behind him, and he thinks I dont know he is in front of us because I am talking to someone, he will always stop and slow down until he is closer and stuff. When he knows I know that he is there, he will quickly turn around and see me and kind of slow down even though I never catch up anyways. And I mean this is like ALL the time... it is just so obvious that he is doing that so he can be by me and stuff, his motions are just way too...apparent.

...well anyways, I told him that I am never going back to youth group. He promised me that I would feel like part of a family there, but I got a bunch of mean glares and faces from Tori and her little group of friends. I didnt really feel like I belonged, and that would be the only reason why. Everyone else is really nice to me and they all thought I was pretty cool, but then there was Tori- who didnt even want to give me a chance and turned her friends on me even though they have never heard nor met me yet. It hurts to be looked down upon and no one there to help you back up. I just wish Dave would talk to Tori and ask her to be nice so I could come back. But he wouldnt do that for me because he likes her too much. I just wish he had those kind of feelings for me though...

Today was my grandpas viewing. I cried of course, but I felt the most terrible heartbreaking pain when my grandma started crying rivers of tears. She was just bawling right next to me. Never in my life have I ever seen her cry before, and there she was sobbing into her hands for my grandpa. It hurt so bad to see her cry like that, and I could have just died when my cousin Jennifer came into the room with a rose and didnt even make it 10 feet without breaking down to her knees and crying histerically. I have never felt so sad in my life. I cried next to Mallory just looking at him, wishing that he could just stand up out of that coffin and come home with me and pretend nothing ever happened. But this being me, I know that could never happen and I just cried until I felt lightheaded and sat down next to my grandma again and hugged her.