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Music: [everytime] by Britney Spears (again)
Mood: I feel like I have changed something about myself...
and it feels so good
Today has taken a turnaround from the beginning of the week. Sure I had some really cruddy moments... but I realized that I had changed something about myself in the process of my sulking. i am not who I used to be. No, I mean I am still my obnoxiously loud and ditzy self... but I have a new quality that no one was able to notice but me until today. After talking to Dave on the bus everything was cleared up and there is no more feuding. As a matter of fact if anything, this little fight actually brought us closer together. Today we were so comfortable around each other, and acting like our old selves. It felt great to just be myself around him and not have to worry. Heck I even looked like complete shit today.... but he didnt care. I dont even think he noticed. I guesss he was just too busy turning around in his seat during French to look at me.... "I feel so stupid" haha... that was great. But thats off topic... after thinking so much about him the last week I saw something that I had said to him a while back when we were still fighting just after we broke up. I was upset with him on the bus on our way to school. He was talking about his lacrosse game the day before and how they had lost. He was bashing on his whole team and explaining how bad they are. It was his fault, it was so and sos fault... he made it sound like he was the only person on the team that didnt suck or screw up. (hey no ones perfect anyways) so I went off on him. At that exact moment that he was talking about his team mates like that.... something inside me was screaming "That is so wrong, stop him NOW" ....so I did. I absolutely told him off and I didnt realize it until I was already done. I had said things like "You are not perfect Dave, you have no right going off on your team like that and blame everything on them. How do we know that YOU werent the one who lost your team the game? huh? We dont know! And you sit here thinking that its alright if you say mean nasty things behind their back carelessly! its not right dave, your not the best, and you are sure as heck not a very good person if that is what you think is the right thing to do after a game!" he just say there taking this from me, like it was an everyday occurance. He just shook his head and didnt say anthing else. But... well I realized that I am such a hypocrite!! A GOD DAMN HYPOCRITE! I can not belive I said all of that to him while behind his back, I have dont thoset things to certain team mates in the past. I was disgusted with myself. From that point on, I have been different. Things that I see all the time that arent right or nice I usually ignore and pretend they didnt happen, but now when I see it, I act and I tell so and so that whatever they are doing is wrong. I stand up for people more often, and I care about other peoples feelings more than I did before. I see now that I have been a bad person up until this fight with dave. I think that this little feud with my ex boyfriend/best friend in the world actually helped me in more ways than one. Not only with our relationship, but with the way I act and think about others and myself. I dont think I ever want to go back to my old self. I like how I am now.
Well anyways, today I was wearing a yellow beater from American Eagle that is 3 fingers wide (the straps) and there is a SMALL (very small) cut in the top below the neck. Miss. Cram was not in homeroom this morning, so I knew we had a substitue teacher today. As it turned out, Mr Shelly, my retired 6th grade math teacher who still knew me quite well, was there. When I got in he asked me to go down to the office to get an attendance sheet because he couldnt find the one he was supposed to get that morning from Miss Cram. I happily went down and asked a tall (mean) skinny (rude) secretary for the attendance sheet for miss Crams homeroom and she went to get it. As I stood there waiting for the paper, the exact same secretary leaned forward and whiseperd into another secretarys ear, one that I am very good friends with, and started looking at me in a nasty way. Of course I just stood there hoping that it was a big misunderstanding, but no.... it wasnt. I should have known that it had to do with my (up to regulation) shirt. Our conversation....
Secretary(haha I cant even remember her name, shows how much I care): Excuse me... miss
me: yeah
Secretary: Do you by chance have a sweatshirt or something in your locker...?
me: ummm...no
Secretary: well then would you please go put on your gym shirt?
me: no... why
secretary: your shirt is too showy, I am not very happy with it. Your straps are much too small.
me: THEY'RE 3 FINGERS... HECK MY MOMS 3 FINGERS!
secretary: I dont care, they show your bra strap
me:....ALL BEATERS SHOW THAT (figures that another girl wearing the same tanktop in a different color as me walks by and no one cares)
secretary: and would you look at that cut!
me: theres nothing wrong with my cut! IT CAME THAT WAY!
secretary: this is unacceptable. GO to your locker now and change
me: (I am secretly flipping her off under the counter) ....GRR FINE
So I go to my locker and pull out my gym bag. Luckily, I found a purple sweatshirt jacket in there from a while ago that I must have forgotten and I pulled it on. Yeah it didnt match or anuything... but it wasnt as bad as being embarrased by having to wear your gym shirt all day... of course I didnt tell or show the secretary that I wasnt wearing my gym shirt but instead a purple sweatshirt jacket (that was open completely so it didnt matter if I had it on or not you could still see the cut) and if she had seen me and was still disatisfied, I would have just walked away, or at least just wrote my moms number on it and hand it to her and THEN walk away.... whoa would my mom be glad to hear from her... haha I would almost pity her... almost.
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